Think before you speak
I recently asked my wife if she could think of an example where I have said something dumb. “Just one?” she replied innocently. She reminded me that I have this curious habit of using people’s names in conversations with them even if I am not certain of their names. Someone’s name might be Frank, but I call him Fred. Or someone’s name might be Mary, but she looks like someone I know called Susan and another mix-up occurs. I try to explain that it is because when one has a ‘super brain’, working on so many complex problems simultaneously, mistakes are bound to occur. But this does not hold much sway with my wife.
There seem to be a lot of people out there like me who do not always think before they speak. Some think just because they have something to say, then they should say it, even if it is hurtful, inconsiderate, or in my case, inaccurate. A good rule of thumb is that we should not always say what we think, but we should always think what we say. It does not matter how right we are, if it is going to come out in a hurtful way, we need to rethink how we say it and, perhaps, whether we even say it at all. So often, it is not just what we say, but how we say it that counts.
A good way to think before we speak is to ask ourselves if what we are going to say is going to hurt or if it is really that necessary or important. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to cool down, we discover that it wasn’t that important after all. If it remains important, we tend to be in a better position to choose our words well. I don’t think I have ever regretted allowing myself time to cool down before I have had a difficult conversation with someone, though I have often regretted times when I did not.
If we do not think before we speak, we are leaving ourselves at the mercy of our learned relationship patterns. Some of these patterns are functional, but often when faced with frustrations or the challenging behaviour of another, some of our old unwanted patterns can emerge. By thinking before we speak, we are interrupting the patterns that do not get us the relationships we want. Such self-evaluation can also reinforce our healthier patterns.
If you don’t think, you will be tempted to do the automatic response, which for many people tends to make things worse. The challenge, though, is finding a way of thinking that helps you to better respond. It could be asking yourself, ‘What’s the best way I can respond right now?’, ‘Will what I am about to do or say make things better or worse?’ or ‘Is there a better time or way I can say what I need to say?’ Some people find it helps to think, ‘Someone needs to be the grown up here’, or ‘If I say this thing I feel like saying, I know things will become a lot worse, or ‘‘Maybe this person has had a bad day and I can cut them some slack’.
When you have found a way of thinking that is a good fit for you, it becomes easier to change your responses. Here, the general rule is to interrupt the usual pattern by changing the who, what, when, where or how. By the ‘who’, I mean who is speaking to them or who is present at the time. Some behave better for others or when other people are present.
What is being said or discussed, can also stop people ‘spinning their wheels’ over unproductive conversations. Some people who are stuck on a particular issue find they can make progress if they start talking about a completely different matter. Others find it helps to move the focus from arguments over the past to what they can both do in the future.
Of course, how things are said, and how people are looking when they say it, are extremely important. Often the message is lost in the delivery. You can always ask the person who is upset with you the best way to respond, but I think you are best to ask beforehand. You could experiment with the triple A approach in responding to those who are upset – acknowledging their perspective and how strongly they are feeling about this first, and apologising and agreeing genuinely where you can.
Where such conversations take place can also help. Some people are better behaved in public while those who are performing for others, behave better in private. The timing can also make a big difference. People are often defensive to feedback immediately after they have done what you find frustrating, but are less likely to be so, before or sometime after the event. But avoid the temptation to simply keep your mouth shut, perhaps withdrawing, but never finding a better time to talk. There is a time to disengage, but it is still important to find a time to talk and develop a better understanding for the future.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how intelligent you are if you do a lot of dumb and hurtful things in relationships. Even though we are all human and say dumb things at times, we can at least be quick to apologise when that occurs. Even someone with a ‘super brain’ can sometimes speak before they think.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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