Allow yourself to access support
My wife, Christy and I were talking about a family friend whom she described as someone who radiated goodness. Fishing for a compliment, I asked just exactly what it was that I radiated. I should have known better. Without hesitation, she responded, “Sloth”. In my wife’s family, as with many other Australian families, people tend to be quick to seize an opportunity when someone is vulnerable to tease them, though this tends to be done with a lot of humour and affection. The message that is really given is that they esteem that person enough to ‘pay out’ on them.
However, some individuals and families are quick to use other people’s vulnerabilities in a hurtful way. Perhaps their past failures are used as a weapon against them or sensitive disclosures have not been kept confidential. This can make it hard for some people to allow themselves to reach out for support. Others may have found themselves stuck in a rut of simply trying to deal with all of their problems by themselves. They simply have not learned yet that we are not made to suffer alone.
Though containing our painful emotions often works for a while, there comes a point where to continue to do so risks ill health, mental health problems, behaviour which is out of character, or explosive anger. The good news is that one does not have to wait for a breakdown of some sort to learn this lesson.
Other people find it easier to help others with their personal problems than to allow themselves to be vulnerable with the right people. Some professional people, like managers, doctors, lawyers and other helping professionals, can feel they have to maintain their sense of legitimacy by pretending they are strong and containing their concerns. They think that to do otherwise, would jeopardise their professional legitimacy.
Some fear burdening others with their concerns. However, good support people are not only trustworthy, helping us to find our own way forward, they are also capable of doing so without being weighed down excessively by our concerns. It can sometimes be hard to find such people, but we can do so if we are prepared to take some risks, showing some trust and noting whether or not we receive a supportive response. If we do not receive the support we need, we have the choice of finding someone else or communicating to that person how they can best be supportive.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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