Act before you lose control
I confess there were times I used to enjoy tormenting my cat, Tigger, by giving her a playful roughing around when she was trying to sleep. While Tigger was one of the most placid and loving animals around, she had her limit. After tolerating such tormenting from me for a period, eventually she would retaliate with all the fury a ball of fluff can muster.
I wonder how many of us are like Tigger - resorting to out-of-character behaviour if we put up with stress for too long a period? Prolonged stress can affect people in different ways. Some of us explode, while others depress or get sick. Some resort to behaviour like problem drinking or gambling. Now there are lots of different causes of problematic anger, but irrespective of the cause, it is important to act before you reach your limit and lose control of your own behaviour.
If your partner is also not acting at their best, you can find your relationship stuck in a perpetual cycle of retaliatory button-pushing. Some find that they are running very close to their limit and it only takes a relatively minor frustration to push them over the edge. Using alcohol and other drugs, even in small quantities, can also reduce people's ability to self-control.
So what can be done? It depends on any causal factors. If prolonged stress is contributing, you can reduce the stressors that are in your control and hope this moves you away from extremes of your own behaviour. But you may also have to interrupt the pattern by thinking before you speak and doing something different. Many people find it helps to demonstrate understanding for the other person's position, apologise and agree where you can, before sharing your own point of view respectfully and offering something for the future.
If you feel either you or the other person is close to losing control, then the Plan B is to use time-out to cool down, but agree on a time when you will talk. Some couples use a code word, such as a pet name, to let each other know when they feel they are getting close to their limit. Co-workers with a strained relationship meet over coffee, in a public place, or with someone else present, to help things stay respectful.
If you are finding it hard to do any of the above, then professional counselling can help you to devise strategies effective for your particular circumstances.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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