Apologies can be a sign of strength
There was an interesting occurrence in our courts not too long ago. A young man apologised sincerely for the harm he had inflicted on another young man through a vicious assault. After he was convicted, the remorseful young man also offered a sum of money to the person he assaulted although no compensation had been sought. The victim ended up shaking the hand of his abuser. The magistrate said all that most victims wanted was an acknowledgment of their situation and their feelings.
It’s sad how many people struggle in taking responsibility for their behaviour and expressing remorse for the impact of their actions on others. Saying sorry can be hard if we have grown up in families where apologies were seen as a sign of weakness. However, when done well, apologies are actually a sign of strength. It can also be hard to apologise if we believe the other party shares some responsibility for the hurt or misunderstanding. However, even when others share responsibility, we can at least apologise for our part. We are all human and sometimes make choices which can be hurtful to others.
Our actions can also be seen as hurtful even though this may not have been our intention. We often act as though our intention is more important than how the other perceived our behaviour. However, when we want to set a relationship right, we need to focus first on the other’s perceptions and feelings. I think it was St Francis of Assisi who said, “It is more important to understand than to be understood”. This is especially true even when our actions have been misunderstood.
It can often be the beginning of healing in a relationship when one person is prepared to acknowledge the other’s perspective and feelings. An apology is one way of doing this. It does not necessarily mean we are taking full responsibility for the difficulties or hurt in the relationship. We can apologise for our part of the hurt or the fact that our actions came across as hurtful even though that may not have been our intention.
When apologies are not received well, it is important to check that we have fully acknowledged the depth of the other person’s pain. Sometimes apologies can be quickly given with an attitude that communicates an unwillingness to further discuss the issue, expects the other person to quickly let go of their hurt, or adds to their pain through the addition of a personal attack, eg. “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t ...”.
Often people need to see action, not just hear words. If we refuse to change behaviour that is hurtful to another, words of remorse will eventually wear thin. Ultimately, it also takes a willingness by the other party to let go of their hurt over time, but a genuine apology will usually help them to begin doing so. Even when others do not choose to forgive, we have at least done the right thing in taking responsibility for our own behaviour.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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