Accept that people see things differently
John was accused by his wife, Susan, of being too tough with their children. He felt this was unfair criticism as he thought he was only giving appropriate consequences to their misbehaviour. After all, his own father had been tough with discipline and hadn’t he turned out OK? Susan had the opinion that the consequences John was giving were excessive and not really working anyway. Her own parents had been very gentle with their parenting and had never raised their voices. She thought it was more important to preserve the closeness of their relationship with the children, than to be quick to come down on them with discipline.
Both engaged in long arguments trying to convince the other to come around to their way of seeing things. They even argued over what did or didn’t happen in the past. John and Susan found they were unable to convince the other to change their opinion, yet felt caught in a cycle of arguing. Susan felt they even argued over her sharing her opinion. John heard Susan’s words as criticism, whereas she saw her actions as simply expressing her concerns.
Eventually, they gave up trying to change each other’s point of view, and instead agreed on what they would both do (and not do) in their dealing with their children’s behaviour.
Two people in a relationship do not necessarily have to agree to see things the same way, but it is important they agree on what they will do in the future. It can be frustrating when people misperceive our own behaviour. However, if someone has a tendency to misperceive our actions, all we can do is take into account their sensitivity in a certain area, choose our words very carefully, and reassure them of our true intentions. It can also help if we can show understanding of how the other person may be seeing the situation, double-check how we are seeing it, and ask ourselves if there is another way we can choose to see the situation, apart from the other person acting hurtfully.
I sometimes liken our different perceptions to invisible eyeglasses that we all wear. Our lenses tend to be coloured both by our life experiences and the emotional needs that are important to us. It is easy to see how John’s experiences of parenting by his father and his need to feel in control could colour his perceptions of what makes a good parent. Susan’s experiences with her own family and her need for the family to stay connected similarly affected how she saw the situation.
There was once a time when I thought there was only one way to see a situation - my way. It used to frustrate me that people could see the same situation differently to me or even remember the past in very different ways. But the truth is that people often see the same situation in different ways. Although this can be frustrating, this is one of those things in life with which we have to learn to accept and cope.
As we practice taking into account other people’s way of seeing things, double-check our own perceptions, and work towards agreements for the future, we will tend to have less conflict in our life.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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