Responding to the over-reactions of others
It seems that all of us can over-react, at times, to others. But if you know someone is doing so regularly, what can you do about it? Of course, we can tell them to find a better way to read the situation or to sort themselves out in therapy. But I think we are better to focus on changing the part that is in our control - our approach - where we at least take into account their sensitivities. It might inspire them to be respectful of our own.
Are they sensitive to criticism? If so, then you are better to let them know what you would prefer for the future. You can also catch them doing the right thing and let them know how much you appreciate this. If they sometimes mis-read your behaviour as controlling, then it can help to give them choices wherever possible or to ask their ideas on a possible solution. If they mis-read you doing something independently as rejection, then it tends to help if you explain your real intentions and then offer a compromise that takes into account what you are both needing. If they become more sensitive when tired or stressed, then obviously choosing a better time to talk will tend to help.
Of course, we also need to control our own responses. If we are not careful, we may find ourselves adding fuel to the fire when we are really wanting to put it out. For most people who are upset or angry, it helps to demonstrate understanding for how they are seeing things and how strongly they are feeling. You might also consider offering a genuine apology for how your behaviour has come across and agree with them where possible, even if this is simply agreeing things need to be better for the future.
It is only when they are in a good position to hear your perspective that I would suggest sharing it in a respectful way. With upset or angry people, it is more important to understand than to be understood. Offer what you are willing to do in the future to help as this will set a good example. Alternatively, you can suggest what you might both do differently next time and work towards a common understanding for the future.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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