Making amends when we have hurt another
Every teacher and parent knows the usual response when they catch a child misbehaving. "It wasn't me!" the child exclaims, even when it is quite obvious they were responsible. Or they say, "They made me do it!" to excuse their behaviour and defer responsibility onto someone else. Instead of apologising or making amends, they point out the inappropriate behaviour of others. Unfortunately, it is not only children who struggle with taking responsibility. However, after making a choice which is hurtful to others or even when we have hurt another unintentionally, there are four things we all can do to help make a relationship right.
The first is simply acknowledging our behaviour, "It happened", is a way of putting up your hand and acknowledging what occurred. Though this sounds easy, in real life it can be hard to do, as we tend to want to deny what we did so as to avoid the consequences that come with our poor choices. Denying the existence of our actions will breed further hurt and mistrust.
The second step is accepting responsibility for our behaviour by finding ways to say, "I did it". When we say, "I only did this because of what you did", or we acted a certain way because we were tired, cranky or intoxicated, we are trying to defer responsibility. Even though other people or factors may have contributed, we are still responsible for our own choices. If we try to avoid responsibility, it can make other parties wonder if we are really open to doing things differently in the future.
Making amends is the third step. Things that help the other person let go of their hurt over time include genuine apologies or performing actions designed to help the other person to feel better. I think we are best to ask the person who is hurting "What is it I can do to make it up to you?", and to listen carefully for their response. Because we are all made a little differently, often people require different things to feel better. For some, it might just be an apology, hug or a loving touch. For others, it might be listening to the depth of their hurt and showing genuine understanding and compassion over time. For some, it might be several acts of kindness over a long period of time.
The fourth step is recommitting to doing something different for the future to prevent the same hurt from recurring. Of course, the recommitment has to be genuine and it has to be followed up with action. As people see us doing what we said we would do, it becomes easier to let go of hurt and to reinvest in the relationship.
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Ken Warren, known as ‘The Doctor of Difficult People’, is Australia’s leading speaker on the topic. He can show you how to turn difficult customers and co-workers into pussycats, make great teams even better, and achieve better outcomes with challenging clients. Check out his free resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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