Helping people dealing with loss
Losses are commonplace in living – health scares, relationship breakdowns, the death of loved ones, to name just a few. We cannot always control what happens to us - that is the reality of life. But it is the way we deal with loss that makes the difference.
Our responses to major loss are dependent on a number of factors including the significance and extent of the loss, the circumstances (the accidental death of a child is very different to the loss of someone who has lived a long life), our age, gender and personal strengths, and also our track record in dealing with past losses.
Although pioneers in grief counselling such as Kubler-Ross spoke of people going through stages of emotions, new ways of thinking suggest that people have four important tasks to complete when dealing with profound loss.
The first is simply to accept the reality of their loss. Survivors of the recent flooding and cyclones may well have experienced disbelief at the scale of their loss. But many have helped themselves to accept their reality by simply visiting their properties, seeing what damage has occurred, and making a start somewhere. Others help the survivors accept the reality of their loss by being there with them, listening to their stories, and obviously helping with the clean-up and rebuilding.
The second task is finding a way to express the pain of loss. Some people get sad. Some get depressed. While others get angry. Some people laugh and cry at the same time. Human beings are social animals and most of us find that over time it helps when we talk through how we are feeling with people who can handle those emotions. You do not need to know the right things to say to others going through loss. Simply being with and listening to people is one of the most important things you can do. None of us is made to suffer alone.
Interestingly, not all of us talk about how we are feeling. Some of us express our emotions through our behaviour. I remember one father I know who never spoke about the death of his daughter. But he did spend a lot of time gardening at the cemetery where his daughter’s grave was. Other people I know express the pain of their loss through a photo memorial to loved ones, through writing, or through exercise. Pain suppressed will come out one way or another – often through health problems or out-of-character behaviour.
The third task is overcoming the challenges to moving forward with one’s life. In the case of my friend whose pharmacy went under water in the recent Brisbane floods, it has been cleaning out the shop of destroyed stock and shop fittings, dealing with insurance companies, restocking the store, dealing with the lack of income, as well as many other challenges in-between.
For people dealing with the death of a loved one, the challenges could be organising and making it through the funeral, finalising their loved one’s estate, and coping with the anniversaries and family occasions when that person would normally be present.
Anticipating some of the challenges people will be dealing with and offering emotional or practical support is something we can do to help others. I remember after my father died, leaving my mum struggling with her grief and raising young boys by herself, my Uncle Jimmy turned up with bags of groceries. Over 40 years later, his kindness has not been forgotten. Sometimes, practical support is the best support of all.
The fourth task of grieving is finding an emotional place for the loss where you can continue to live – where you can still love, laugh and live your life well. With profound losses, especially the death of children and other loved ones, you never ever ‘get over it’ where you never feel pain or sadness about the loss. It is more that you find a way to continue to live, carrying your loss forward with you.
There is no time frame for people to adjust to life after dealing with profound loss. But people do sometimes become stuck in their grief, with they themselves having a sense that they are not moving forward. Some become clinically depressed or experience other health problems. Or they struggle in doing what needs to be done even after a significant period of time has passed. Some struggle even with the will to live. These are people whose grief may have become complicated and should be put in touch with professional help.
With the right support and some good choices by those involved, people can survive very profound loss and, over time, adjust, rebuild, and live their life well.
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Ken Warren BA, M Soc Sc, CSP is an expert on People Management Skills and Human Behaviour. With his engaging, interactive and positive presentations, Ken has shown thousands how to improve team performance, provide great customer service, and enhance staff resiliency. Check out all his FREE resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
