Coping with cliques
Have you ever been in a workplace where a coworker refuses to even acknowledge your existence? Or have you ever joined a social group and people seem caught up in a clique with their friends and don't make you feel welcome? Or has your child been pushed to the outskirts of a friendship group.
Exclusion, when done deliberately over time, is a type of bullying - no doubt about it. But much of what is read as intentionally hurtful is not intended to be hurtful at all. Sometimes, other people are just focusing on conversations with their friends or are not thinking about how their behaviour may be affecting others.
So if you can find a kinder way of reading other's behaviour, this will help you to feel less hurt. If you are misreading others' behaviour and getting hurt as a result, you may well be putting out messages that make it harder for people to connect with you.
You may also want to consider if you have acted in ways that may inadvertently contributed to the situation. It is a good thing if you have contributed in some way, because this gives you something you can change. If you change, there is a high likelihood others will as well. You may even be able to recall times when you were connecting better and try to recreate those conditions if you can.
Another more helpful way of reading the situation is realizing that perhaps the problem really is with other people. You might do your best to include new people in your friendship groups, but some people are really not built that way. Perhaps they lack empathy for others or don't have very good social skills. Feeling sorry for these people is better than feeling hurt by their behaviour.
We also need to realise that not everyone is going to like us. If you are like me in preferring to be liked by everyone, this is a hard fact to accept. But the reality is that people are all different and there are certain types of people we connect with better than others. It can be a better use of our energy to accept that we can't connect well with everyone and to at least focus our efforts on friendlier faces.
Of course, it is possible to influence change in people who are accidentally or even deliberately excluding others. For example, people may be more inclusive if they are aware of how their behaviour is affecting others.
Those who are deliberately excluding others need to appreciate what the likely consequences could be if such behaviour continues. For example, workplaces have a legal responsibility to ensure bullying behaviour is addressed. Not to mention a need to act to preserve the morale of their team.
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Ken Warren BA, M Soc Sc is Australia's leading speaker on Workplace Relationships and an expert on People Management Skills. With his engaging, interactive and positive seminars, Ken has shown thousands how to turn difficult people around and bring out their best. Check out all his FREE resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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