Clients who don't see the need for change
When I was studying counselling as a young man, I thought all of my future clients would see the need for change, work very hard to help themselves, and then be highly appreciative of my efforts.
I had a somewhat rude awakening when I realised that this was not always going to be the case.
Many of my clients did not want to see me and, very often, in fact, were being dragged in by others to see me.
These clients often did not see their obviously problematic behaviour as a problem at all. If anyone had to change, it was usually someone else.
And some seemed to be working very hard against their own best interests.
Such clients included …
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Students who had been suspended five times from school, who thought the school just needed to 'get off their back'
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People caught in a pattern of conflict who thought it was only the other person who needed to change
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Individuals with obviously problematic drinking who couldn't understand why their family members were so upset
Before we start to feel superior here, let's remind ourselves that there are times when we too have minimised our behaviour, blamed others, or not thought about the consequences
There are lots of reasons why people often don't see their own behaviour as a problem:
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Perhaps a defensive response helps to maintain their sense of worth or control
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Their behaviour may be need-satisfying in the present, but they are not appreciating the eventual cost
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They may have a lack of empathy for how their behaviour is affecting others
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Perhaps they have a negativity bias towards others' problem behaviour, but not their own
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They may be partly right in that others can do their part to help
So, how do you get someone with problem behaviour to get to a place where they see the need for change?
Here are some ideas for you to consider:
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Choose a better time or place: If a person is giving a defensive response, they may well be in a better position to reflect on their behaviour when they have had some time to settle. Sometimes, simply removing someone from the room who is criticising their behaviour, can by itself put them in a better position to acknowledge the need for change.
Sometimes a person's willingness to see the need for change comes over a long period of time. Some people call this maturity. I recall many of my drug clients who had been injecting drugs from the age of 16, but who when they reached their mid-40's, said they were sick of the dramas and wanted to get their life on track. If you have changed the time and place or can't wait years for this person to grow up, you may want to consider the following.
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All the status quo to become uncomfortable: It shouldn't be like this, but the reality is that most of us only see the need for change when we become very uncomfortable with the present. I recall many women who had been harassing their husbands for years to go to counselling. Frustrating for many of these women is that many of these men only become motivated to go to counselling when the woman is literally walking out the door. Others of us become more motivated to address our problem eating or lack of exercise when we become very uncomfortable with our body or we have a health scare.
As a counsellor early in my career, I used to think that my job was to alleviate suffering, but sometimes I had to encourage families to allow a family member with problematic drinking or drug-use to face the consequences of their behaviour so they would see the need for change. Sometimes we are the ones making them uncomfortable, challenging them about their behaviour. The risk of alienating clients through a challenge is minimised the stronger the relationship you have with them.
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Find out what they really want: If you can find something that the client really wants that parallels what others are wanting for them, then you can at least work with them on that. That is, of course, if they are open to working with you. If you can build a relationship where this person believes you are safe and trustworthy, they may well be open to doing so. Sometimes it happens quickly. Other times it happens over a long period of time.
A student who has been suspended might say that he wants the school off his back. You can work with this goal as the strategies for achieving this will parallel what the school is wanting - better behaviour. Keep in mind that people are clever and often know the right thing to say. So you may need to test what they are saying. Eg. "Why do you want the school off your back? Do you really mean that?"
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Change the environment around them. Here you are introducing a change (almost any change) to their environment, to interrupt their usual pattern of behaviour. You could work with their theory of what is going to help (others changing) and start negotiating change with others in their life. Or you could simply introduce something new to their environment.
I recall a young man with aggressive behaviour and a range of paediatric diagnoses. Lots of interventions were tried. But the one that was most successful was when he was given a pet cat. He moderated his own behaviour to be able to better care for the well-being of his pet. Workplaces use this strategy when they move a problem employee to a different team, change the role they are in, or align them with a partnering person.
Of course, we need to be realistic. Not everyone is going to change. Some people hit their 'rock bottom' and continue to dig! Even those who see the need for change can still find this very hard.
For those either unwilling or incapable of change, we are faced with three choices. We could refer for a medical assessment in case such treatment can help to moderate the unwanted behaviour. We can support those who wish to do so to distance themselves or cope with that person as well as possible. Or we can search for a way to work around the problem behaviour. Even with individuals with very challenging behaviour, there are times when things are working better. Can others do more of what works during those exceptional times?
If you are interested in working more effectively with clients who are unmotivated, non-voluntary, or resistant to change, check out my workshop, Engaging and Motivating Difficult Clients.
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Ken Warren BA, M Soc Sc, CSP is an expert on People Management Skills and Human Behaviour. With his engaging, interactive and positive presentations, Ken has shown thousands of professionals how to work more effectively with challenging clients. Check out all his FREE resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
