Tips for better communication
Acknowledge others’ feelings and points of view
Listening to and acknowledging the other person’s feelings and points of view can bypass many arguments and misunderstandings. Don’t try to correct them or rebut their points of view or feelings. Just listen. See if you can understand what the other person is trying to communicate. You don’t have to agree with what they are saying, but don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings or tell them they are wrong for feeling that way. Remember that you are always better to understand than you are to be understood.
Apologise wherever you can
This sounds like a strange thing to do, especially if you believe the other person is speaking or acting hurtfully towards you. However apologies, when given genuinely, often place the other person in a better position to let go of any hurt, listen also to you, and to work something out for the future. Perhaps you can apologise for your part of the hurt, or for how your behaviour was perceived by them, even if it was not intended that way.
Agree with them wherever you can
You may not be able to agree with everything the other person says, but you may be able to agree with parts of it, or at least with what they are wanting for the future. Be quick to agree and slow to share where you disagree.
Share your own opinion respectfully
So often, it is not so much what we are saying, but how we are saying it that counts. A good way to do share your view respectfully is to start what you are saying with, “This is how I see it” or “This is my opinion on this”. By doing so, you are acknowledging there is more than just your way to see a situation. It is also important to watch your tone of voice. Use the most laid-back tone of voice you can, avoiding any tone of defensiveness or aggression. Remember to be aware of how your body language is coming across. It also helps to acknowledge your understanding of the other person’s perspective and feelings before sharing your own view.
Offer something for the future
Offer to do something different for the future which you believe will help. Or suggest a compromise that involves effort from both. Be careful not to impose your ideas on the other person. Make sure you do what you say you are going to do.
Get specific
Tell them exactly what they do that you do not like, exactly what you would prefer, and exactly what you or both of you could do to help. There is too much room for misinterpretation when you use vague words. Avoid giving your opinions, interpretations, or generalizations when you are having communication problems. They are likely to be misunderstood or seen in a negative light during these times.
Stick with the recent past when you talk about problems
It is harder to change the past than the present and the future. People forget and disagree about what happened in the distant past. If the other person continues to bring up the past, it may be due to their need for their feelings and perspective to be more fully acknowledged.
Avoid the blame game or deciding who is really right
Relationships are either win/win or lose/lose. If either of you loses, you both lose, because the relationship suffers. While it is tempting to get righteous or prove the other person wrong, it sets up a barrier to understanding and listening. Accept there is more than one way to see the situation.
Find a different way to look at things
We all have a tendency to think our point of view is the only correct way of seeing things, especially when we are upset. So, when you are stuck or unhappy, ask yourself if there is another way of looking at it. Think of the situation from the other person’s perspective or from the point-of-view of someone you respect. Remember you do not have to see things the same way, but you do have to agree on the way ahead if you are going to continue in the relationship.
Keep your focus on, and be responsible for, your own behaviour
Each of us has a choice about what we say and do, no matter how we feel. Don’t excuse your behaviour or blame it on others, the situation, or your childhood. Keep the focus on your own behaviour as this is the part of the relationship that is in your control. A good way to do this is to start thinking before you speak, “Will what I am about to do or say help or hurt the relationship?”
Give positive feedback whenever you can
It’s all too easy to focus on the problems in relationships. Did the other person talk to you about something he or she would usually have avoided? Give them credit for that, even if you are upset about what they said. Did you two talk out something that you usually would have gotten stuck on? Mention it and acknowledge it to each other. Let them know what you like or appreciate.
Break your patterns
By changing your part of the pattern, the other person will often find it hard to also resist changing. If you normally argue at a certain time of day, change the time you have these discussions. Involve a third party, or practise some of the ideas in this article. Break out of your usual ruts by doing something completely out of character for you. If you continue to do what you usually do, you’ll probably continue to get the usual responses and results.
Allow the other person (and yourself) to be human
Remember that we are all creatures of habit and occasionally our old unwanted patterns can repeat. Although this can be hurtful and disappointing, cut the other person (and yourself) some slack when this occurs. When you have caught your breath, remember to learn from the experience and to recommit to or fine-tune your plan.
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Ken Warren BA, M Soc Sc is Australia's leading speaker on Workplace Relationships and an expert on People Management Skills. With his engaging, interactive and positive seminars, Ken has shown thousands how to turn difficult people around and bring out their best. Check out all his FREE resources at www.positivepeoplesolutions.com.au
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